How To Keep Things Spicy And Strong With Your Partner After Having A Baby
*DISCLAIMER: I am not a relationship expert. These are just some tips that have helped me and my husband of almost 14 years and boyfriend/best friend of almost 21 years maintain a strong unit even after having two children and numerous obstacles along the way! I also make it a point to make sure my clients reconnect as a couple while helping to improve their child’s sleep. And yes, my husband and I have been together for over 20 years!
Happy Love Month.
But may I ask why we only get a month for love, actually just a single day dedicated to this complex and surreal thing we call LOVE?
Love should happen every day, every minute, every second of our lives…
…well until you have babies.
WRONG!
If you need to add some spark and joy back into your relationship then keep reading as I share with you how you can keep things spicy and strong with your partner after having a baby. Your relationship doesn’t have to take a backseat or even fall off a cliff just because you have this precious new human in your world.
Read till the end to see how we really survived the past 14 years and are now thriving as a couple.
“The greatest gift you can give your child is a strong relationship between the two of you.”
HOW TO KEEP THINGS SPICY AND STRONG WITH YOUR PARTNER AFTER BABY:
KEEP DATING.
Never stop dating your partner. Why stop after having children? It may become harder to date but that’s why there are people like grandparents, friends, and even babysitters. Hire or ask a trusted member of your tribe to come to watch your baby for a few hours so you and your partner can slip out in some sexy attire for a few hours. The biggest tip is to leave after bedtime initially and then work up to having the caretaker or babysitter put your little one to sleep.
Start small. Maybe go on a date once every few months, then every few weeks, then every 2-3 weeks, and then make it a weekly habit and add it to the family calendar so everyone knows what’s going on. This is your reminder to slip on those spanx, maybe a dress if your legs are waxed (or not), and step into those heels (or flats) and keep dating your partner.
WEEKLY DATE NIGHTS AT HOME.
It is hard leaving the house especially when you have a newborn, no family or friends around you can trust to babysit, or even you have multiple kids with different bedtimes and comfort levels with babysitters. But who says, date nights only have to be out of the house? They can occur inside the house as well. You can wear that sexy dress or keep it real and comfy in those sweats. YOU DO YOU.
Order take-out and watch a movie, listen to an audiobook together and have discussions at the end of each chapter, or play trivia games to potentially learn something new about each other (maybe like how you never knew that your partner loved ROCKY and has watched every single movie including the recent one starring Michael B. Jordan, Creed), hire someone to come cook for you and serve you a meal at your own dining room restaurant, or have friends over and enjoy some adult conversations (think double or triple date at home).
SWAP OUT THE SWEATS FOR A SILKY SHORTS SET.
I know we love sleeping in comfy clothes especially after needing to get up multiple times throughout the night to feed the baby or even to get them back to sleep. I get it. Been there, done that. But give yourself space and time to slip into something that feels luxurious and soft to the skin because chances are it will feel the same to your partner when you two are snuggled up next to each other trying to get all warm and cozy in the winter months.
By the way, who are the big spoon and little spoon in your relationship? For us, I start off as the big spoon but then become the little spoon by the time it’s morning.
BE BEST FRIENDS.
Laugh with each other and laugh at each other. That’s what friends do, right? Even if you weren’t best friends before you got married, it’s never too late to become best friends. And have you noticed that when we start acting like we are friends with our spouse or partners we automatically become nicer towards them? Try it. When you think about it, we never lose our cool with our friends. We never ALWAYS complain and vent about them. We never show up to a girl’s night in sweats and 4-day-old hair. Our partner deserves the same.
Give them the best version of yourself like you give to your closest girlfriends. They deserve that side of you too. Give your partner compliments like you would a girlfriend on a nice outfit or hair day. Praise them like you would a coworker for doing a job well done. Laugh so hard you pee in your pants like you would with your best friend. Especially do this in front of your children. The positivity of your relationship will be the best thing they see and take with them, I promise.
HAVE A VENT JOURNAL.
We all love venting about anyone and everything, am I right? Imagine this scene….
Your partner comes home from a long and hard day at work with their own set of problems and issues they are dealing with. You have been at home with the baby or kids all day. As they walk in the front door you start complaining about the kids, stuff that needs to be done that’s still pending, or even stuff your partner isn’t doing that you would like them to do. Let me tell you that this is real life. I totally understand that happens, I am guilty of it too.
But having a VENT JOURNAL has allowed us to keep arguments and vents away from the kid’s ears, especially now that they are getting older. You can purchase any journal your heart desires and keep it in a common space where you can easily write throughout the day. Have one page dedicated to each day- the front page is yours and the back page is your partner’s. VENT AWAY! Be sure to end the vent session with a positive note about your day, or partner, or share something funny your kids did that day. Then you can read the journal the next day to see what your partner needs or how you can help make things a little easier for them, and vice versa.
NEVER ENTER THE BEDROOM ANGRY.
I should add, never go to sleep angry either. Whether that anger is towards your partner, family, self, work, or anything else for that matter. Journal, meditate, go for a walk, work out, drink your choice of evening juice, or whatever you need to do to clear your mind, and bring peace back to your body and home. We have gone to bed angry plenty of times and it has not done us any good. Trust me.
Can we also normalize couples therapy? My husband and I did couples therapy 2 years into our marriage and made it through our rough patch. Not all make it out and I totally understand why after being in the lowest of lows myself.
Battling infertility, family demands, and having children intensified things for us but we were setup with the right tools to make it out of every obstacle coming our way. THANK YOU GOD.
Have tips of your own to add to this or liked something that you are taking away to practice yourself with your partner, let me know by commenting below or emailing me at contact@nestedtorestedsleep.com.